long live day dreams

this is a drawing from my journal I did some weeks ago after i started a new job.  how happy do you think i was?

as most of you know, in addition to my health coaching biz, I also do a share of nannying and personal chef work part time to pay the bills.  this fall, I took on a new job with a seemingly great opportunity for a couple hours a day in the afternoons.  it seemed fun, easy and was fairly close to home.  within days I realized two things: one: it was none of those happy adjectives that just flew away and two: I got majorly lied to.

being the happy, dedicated little worker bee I am, I decided to tough it out, suck it up and just go with the flow.  so, it wasn't the dream job I envisioned, I could make it work, right?  so, I was already being paid less than what we settled on and doing more work for that amount, this was just a paycheck and what I do for that paycheck doesn't define me as a person, right?  … Right?

Well, as you can tell by this drawing, I started getting pretttttay down on myself just a few weeks in to the new spot.  I started doing things out of guilt then hating myself for not speaking up about how they weren't in my job description and then hating myself more for allowing myself to get into such a guilty place.  Was it my fault for not being clear enough during our phone interview and subsequent in person meeting?  Is it on me for not being forceful enough in our daily meetings?  My bad for letting my "no" muscle I worked so hard in the past year buffing up fall into a cartoonish "u" shape every time I tried to flex?  Womp womp woooooomp.  

Things got bad, then things got worse.  I stopped working out, cause what's the point when you're just gonna stuff your face with junkfood to deal with your guilt and frustration?  I  stopped meditating in the mornings, cause what's the point of you're just gonna get stressed out again in the afternoon?  I stopped caring about marketing my health coaching business cause who wants to work with a coach who doesn't even have enough energy to get out of bed until 1 o'clock every day?  

The day it all broke down my boss came to me about their thanksgiving vacation.  I'd be counted on to stay in the home while they were away to watch the dog.  Huh?  I have my own dog to hang with, though, she can't be along that long.  "Oh, you can check on her."  Huh?  I have my family to hang with, also, you know, 3 day weekends and all?  "You can visit them for a couple hours each day, then come back at night."  Huh?  Then it just rolled out, no effort, no thought at all… "No."  Not, "no, im sorry", "no, i'll be out of town" no apologizes or lies had any time to attach themselves to this thought, it was born out of pure reflex and delivered with nothing but clarity.  "No… No, you'll have to find someone else."  

I'd like to say I quit right there and squealed away in my car blasting some "damn the man" guitar whizzy rebellious song, but that's not how it works (except for in my head).  I put myself back out there.  I was approached by someone I had a already met and worked for and offered a position that not only paid the same but has a million more perks and a million less expectations.   

I'm happy every day I leave for work and every day I come home.  

I lost the stress weight, I gained a ton of hindsight and one more lesson in life.

I like to think it's one of my most pressing crusades that you should do what you love and love what you do and I know that's some straight up hippie BS that you're probably rolling your eyes at right now, but what's the point of dedicating your time and loyalty and effort into something at the end of the day you hate yourself for?  This holiday I have a lot to be thankful for, as usual, but I'm gonna say an extra special "merci beaucoup" to my big, buff, beautiful, bulging "NO!".