WHY YOUR JUICE CLEANSE IS STUPID.

Sorry, was that too harsh?  Wait, I don't care.  I absolutely cannot see one more stupid picture of your nutribullet full of green sludge and your fake ass "YUM!" caption.  'Cause it's january, there's a vortex of polar or something floating around, my trunk has been frozen shut for 3 days and you've convinced yourself subsiding on raw pulverized vegetables in a cup is a great idea because Gwyneth Paltrow says so.  You know what would be infinitely better than that?  Almost anything. I'm not gonna go into some Ayurvedic hippie rant about why you shouldn't eat raw in winter and why you need warm foods and spices at this time of year in the northeast however I will let you in on a little secret: DIETS SUCK AND THEY DON'T WORK.

Guys, really?  Are there any of us still actually trying to find that "miracle" cure?  That pill that melts your ass?  That exercise device that flattens your FUPA?  That all cookie/cabbage diet that shrinks you ten sizes just in time for your reunion?  Apparently billions of people  didn't get the memo they should stop flushing their hard earned benjies down the toilet and face the harsh reality that there is no quick fix.  Yes, some of you will lose weight.  Yes, some of you will keep it off for a while.  But shrinking your portions or cutting your carbs only works because you're eating less calories than you were before.  If you're not thinking about the when and why you're eating, a week or month or year of stress and anxiety can have you doubling back everything you sacrificed for just like that. Yeah, losing 10 lbs in a week (you know, cause you're starving/peeing out of your butt) feels AWESOME but you know what else is awesome?  A big, warm brimming bowl of hearty winter vegetable laden soup at the end of your 2 hour commute home in negative something weather.  An entire apple.  The whole thing.  The skin, the flesh, the crispy crunch, the good 10 minutes it takes you to devour it and the slow burn off you get from all the fiber it has built right in there by none other than mama nature.  A huge pot of kale and chicken, stewed in your crockpot for hours with coconut milk and ginger and lemongrass, inviting you to curl up to it as soon as you walk in your front door.  Oh, and you know what's the most awesome?  Chewing your food. Chewing and swallowing solid foods, whaaaa??! Listen, I know you want to "lose weight, tone up and gain energy!" cause, like, everyone in the world says you should, but let's start thinking outside of diets.  Let's focus on adding in delicious, whole foods and maybe just weeding out the crap that comes in boxes and "100 calorie" packs.  Let's eat stuff our great-grandparents ate and cook our foods in the winter and eat them raw in the summer, just like they did.  Counting calories and points and minutes on the treadmill is only going to make you obsessive and guilt ridden.  Listen to what your body wants, move because it makes you feel good, count your blessings and f$*k a calorie.