On holidays.

I'm sure the holidays are rough on a lot of people.  The weather getting cooler, the days getting shorter, waking up when it's dark out - these are all shitty.  Maybe it's lack of vitamin D, maybe it's nostalgia and loss, but this time of year is when I start to feel like I'm a little bit on slow motion.

It starts with me not wanting to get out of bed.  I know that sounds like everyone, right?  Nope, to know me at all is to know I am an early and happy riser.  I love to be up with the sun, getting everything done and multitasking my entire life.  Lately, I'm dragging, I'm sighing I'm even inventing ways to get out of everything I have planned that day to secretly crawl back into bed for another six to eight.  

Then the crying.  Sitting in my car for extra 10 minutes because a sad thought or panic crossed my mind.  Not putting any eye makeup on in the morning because I've already had two welled up moments and I'm still in my pajamas.  Remembering my family or friends who have passed around this time and thinking how unfair it is our time together was too short.  Freaking out about my husband not being home on time and exaggerating some scenario where he's trapped under a subway platform sleeping or something ridiculous.   

It's overwhelming.  And then, I remember, I have to see a large portion of my family soon.  All at once.  And then it's overwhelming times eleven.  How do I cope?

I cook - I cook everything I want, I dive into new techniques and recipes and spices.  I experiment with a little and a lot.  I fall so deep into it that I can't remember anything else.  I have this huge, open kitchen and the possibilities are endless.

I organize my cupboards, my closets, my laundry room, my dressers.  I give everything the place it needs, I sprinkle little bouquets of lavender around them.  I open them one more time to pat myself on the back about it.

I exercise my body and my brain.  I run until I'm sweaty and I don't think I can go anymore.  After that I find the heaviest weights I can manage and I lift them over my head.  I squat, I stretch, I move so much and feel so amazing I can't think of anything else except the sheer gratitude that I am able to perform.  

I meditate.  I take yoga.  I focus on my gratitude and I hone in on my goals and directions for a little while, to bring my focus back.  This season won't get me this time.  I'm prepared.